Times take a-changed! And although it sometimes looks similar the world is getting worse, some things are definitely getting better.

Possibly you remember Dan Cruel'due south wide-reaching anti-suicide entrada, It Gets Better. Thousands of LGBT people and allies created Youtube videos with encouraging messages that said just that, "hold on, don't surrender – life will go better."

Today, I have the aforementioned bulletin for yous – if your child simply came out as LGBT.

(For the purpose of this post, I address parents whose children came out as gay or lesbian. Most of information technology applies to kids who come out as bi or trans, only I hope to write a different post to address trans kids more specifically, since other social and cultural aspects come up into play. To simplify, I am using the give-and-take gay to hateful "gay or lesbian".)

I speak to many parents who suspect that their kid is gay but hasn't come out to them even so. They come to me because they want to set up for the moment when their child opens up to them. Other times, parents need to process their own thoughts and feelings correct after their child comes out as gay.

I consistently observe that fifty-fifty the most accepting parent asks some of the questions that I will answer here.

If you consider yourself an accepting person, who supports LGBT people effectually yous, but you also struggle with the idea that your child is officially coming out, please don't beat yourself up. As a parent, you want the best for your child. Being LGBT can bring some extra complications into the mix, and it's only natural for you to desire to protect your child from hardship.

When your child comes out as gay, they are giving you new information about their identity that adjusts how you see them. This is not to say that this picture becomes better or worse – it just changes.

Here are some answers I give parents when they tell me that their kid is gay.

It'due south not your error

The scientific discipline is in, and it'south clear. Sexual orientation is inborn and mostly unaffected by culture. Of grade, a more accepting order allows gay individuals to come out earlier in life. This sometimes gives the impression that everybody is gay nowadays. But the percentage of gay individuals has been pretty steady (they just used to live in hiding).

Nothing that a parent can practise makes a child gay or straight. Most gay children come up from homes with straight parents and many positive direct function models.

Old Freudian theories that children become gay because of poor relationships with their fathers, or over-involved relationships with their mothers, have been completely debunked. Boys don't become gay because they were as well sheltered by their mothers, and girls don't become lesbians because they had negative relationships with men.

This is just who and how your child is. Maybe they are left-handed, or maybe they are terrible at math and great at sports. Or, maybe they are gay. At that place is cypher you could have done to change that. Yous can assist them live their best life, though!

Yous demand time to adjust

Past the time your child comes out as gay to you lot, they have processed their thoughts and feelings about their sexual orientation for years. They have observed and analyzed their every experience. They have observed others in their community, and they have probably paid attention to how you lot talk virtually gay people in your family. They take already idea all these things through for quite a while.

You, on the other hand, may not have suspected any of information technology. As a parent, you accept sure mental images of who your kid is. You envision their time to come, and you exercise everything you can to aid them attain the best time to come possible.

When your child comes out to you lot, this image changes. It's ok if you experience a bit disoriented. Give yourself fourth dimension. Yous don't need to be totally 100% on board right away. Your child has many years ahead still.

You shouldn't have known

So often parents tell me, "I should have known!" Merely the truth is, you didn't have to know. This does not make you a bad parent. Yous didn't think of your child as gay or straight. Or you assumed they were straight. Some research says that 95% of people are direct, so your assumption was a safe ane.

The thought that you should have known too points to unhelpful beliefs that nosotros can recognize that someone is gay by how they wait or what they do. That is just not the case. Sexual orientation is not visible or noticeable, specially when the person tries to hide it.

Lastly, your child has probably gone to not bad lengths and then that you wouldn't know.

And they were successful at this.

And that is OK.

It's not simply a phase

Existence gay means that a person feels some sort of allure toward the aforementioned sex. Your child is not likely to misinterpret their attraction. If they feel it, it'south probably there.

Even if it happens to exist a phase, which is rarely is, it yet shouldn't be ignored or minimized. Just as you treated other phases, allow the feel of the phase to help your child abound.

Your child will be safe

Of course, nobody can promise this to whatsoever parent of any child. But one of many parents' well-nigh common fears is that their child will exist a victim of homophobia-fueled violence.

Nosotros have all heard the terrible stories of how gay couples were beaten just for holding hands on the street. This happens, even today, even where nosotros alive. But information technology doesn't happen all the time, everywhere, or to every gay person.

I know many, many young LGBT people who accept never been harassed. They may get looks, and they may feel unsafe in certain places. But in today's world, it's very possible for your gay child to be safe as they live an open and honest life.

Just like with any other rubber bug, it's a skilful idea to have a chat with your kid about what to look out for, and how to be appropriately cautious.

Your child may actually feel a trivial safer than they are because their peers are so accepting of them. This may worry you lot because y'all want them to be careful when they need to be. But something else to consider is that just as homophobia is still around, and so are LGBT allies – in increasing numbers.

LGBT allies are everywhere.

Your child will be OK

This one ofttimes comes upwardly with White families, but it'south also a very common fear for many parents who are POC.  When their child comes out, they lose some privilege. This can feel terrifying. Parents worry about how their child will be judged just because of who they are. And aye, this is true and will happen.

Children of families who belong to racial minorities feel information technology all the time. They know that they can't, and don't need to, change or neglect who they are. They acquire to code-switch. They understand that certain aspects of life are harder for them, and they ofttimes work harder for the same results.

So yeah, your child volition face up struggles y'all didn't face. Information technology may be hard for them, especially during the school years. But the struggle will besides give their life special pregnant and depth.

What they can learn from facing prejudice will make them better people.

Sexual orientation is not first virtually sex

I really wish the word sex activity wasn't part of sexual orientation. One reason why many teens don't come out to their parents is that they try to avoid the sex-talk.

Parents of boys often worry more well-nigh safe sex because of the stigma of HIV and because of the sexualized prototype of "gay culture." Your kid'due south hazard of contracting an STI exists whether they are gay or straight.

When your kid just comes out, consider responding to their concerns and discussing how their coming-out can bear upon relationships before you start the sex-talk. There will be a time and a identify for it. Give it a infinitesimal.

Let your child to come across that relationships and attraction aren't only virtually sex. And remember that talking with your child nearly responsible sexual behavior is an ongoing conversation, contained from their sexual orientation.

You can nonetheless exist a grandparent

Although gay parents are more visible today than e'er before, parents often worry that their children will not exist able to have kids. And worse, that they won't become grandparents themselves!

This fear is understandable. But, information technology's too a piddling silly. Merely having a heterosexual child doesn't guarantee that you will have grandchildren, either.

And, every bit you know, at that place are many different ways for anybody to become a parent. When that moment comes for you, it will exist just the way information technology was supposed to be.

Coming out is not a 1-and-done deal

Your child will come out repeatedly and continuously – forever. And then volition y'all! This earth assumes they are directly until proven otherwise.

Whenever your daughter mentions her girlfriend or partner for the offset time, she volition observe that people accommodate their mental movie.

I detect this all the fourth dimension. Because I'thou married, information technology's oftentimes easy merely to casually throw something about "my husband" into the chat. I haven't gotten negative responses, but I notice a lilliputian coming-out moment that lasts about five seconds, and happens over and over.

The same affair volition happen to yous. At first, it can be terrifying when you say something about your son and his boyfriend. Simply with time, coming out becomes very like shooting fish in a barrel and natural.

The more secure you feel of who yous are, the easier it will exist for others to accept yous, too. You'll see!

There isn't one right way to respond

Just like with everything else in parenting, there isn't one right way to respond when your child comes out. They probably planned his coming out for a while, or at least they thought long about information technology.

Yous, on the other hand, may accept been caught past surprise. At that moment, you lot are dealing with many thoughts and feelings coming upward at one time. Information technology can exist overwhelming.

Parents often experience guilty over how they responded. Or, they are unsure if their response was proficient enough. And of course, there are many ways to reply that are just not helpful. But remember that what you do afterward is what really matters.

The coming-out conversation is only one moment of many. Any you said or didn't say can exist overshadowed past what you will do after. You can't un-say it, but y'all can take information technology back.

Do your best, and focus on maintaining a loving, safe, and trusting relationship with your kid. That'due south what matters nearly.

Forgive yourself

Y'all've heard the expression kids don't come with a manual. Just gosh, nobody actually prepares you for when your kid comes out as gay. You may exist the first one in your mom-group, or dad-grouping, or your family. And even without instructions or support, yous accept to get ahead and deal with it anyway.

Yous'll brand mistakes, only like whatsoever parent does. That's fine!

You aren't perfect, and by allowing yourself to be imperfect, yous are modeling to your kid, that it's OK for them not to be imperfect, too.

Have you learned anything else on your journey equally the parent of a gay child? I'd love to hear it! Feel free to write it in the comments or share information technology on social media!

At LaunchPad Counseling, nosotros work with children, teens, and adults who identify as LGBT, and their families. If yous retrieve nosotros can assist you, please permit us know by calling 804-665-4681 or through e-mail.